One of my readers wrote in recently with this query:
What’s your stance on friend’s with benefits? Yay or nay? I’ve done it twice in my late 20s and ended up getting emotionally attached after doing the deed. This led to heartache (on my part) and the end of the friendship. I should know better now that I’m in my mid-30s, right? I have a itch to scratch and it’s been a REALLY long time (we are talking over a few years here). I’m too scared to have a one-night stand and I don’t want to get emotionally attached by sleeping with a guyfriend. I guess I’ll just have to stick with toys. I remember that blog you posted about the need for touch. Even though a toy does the job, it doesn’t replace the warm and intimate feeling of a body…that connection so to speak. I am just afraid of feeling used…especially when he would eventually start a REAL romantic relationship with another woman.
This was my response:
Oh girl, I am right there with you. It’s been a long time for me, too — and I’ve been single for three years. And yes, I hear you about toys. (Thank god for double A batteries, right?) But it’s not the same. Sometimes they are almost WORSE than nothing at all because they remind you of what you don’t have.
That said, about FWB: I think it’s a very subjective thing. Some people can handle it. i don’t think i’m one of those people. Partly because i compartmentalize people, so if you’re in the friend box, it would be strange to make out with you, sort of incestuous. I do have a lot of male friends (more than female) and they’ve always been strictly platonic. Not a lot of line blurring there.
Also, like you, I get attached. I get attached too easily, i think, so hooking up with someone who didn’t want to do it again with me (or who was hooking up with other people), would probably be a mindfuck. I want to feel special. like I matter. Like I’m more than just a recreational activity.
That said, I do have friends that I do want to make out with, but they aren’t interested, so we don’t go there. If they changed their mind, and WERE interested? I don’t know if i’d have the self control to say no! Who knows what would happen…?
A friend of mine just had a one night stand and there was a condom mishap, so she had to get plan B AND she got a UTI. So that’s a lovely reminder of what we’re missing, right?
One night stands can get messy — literally and metaphorically. So if you have one, just be careful and protect yourself and your heart! And if you’re going the Friends with Benefits route, here’s a handy little diagram to keep you from getting lost…