britney spears, camille paglia, dahlia, dahlia schweitzer, dating, LA, los angeles, miley cyrus, rihanna, sex, sexuality
Dating sucks everywhere, but it sucks harder in LA, and it sucks more now than ever.
A few months ago, before meeting someone for the very first time, as we were texting to confirm plans, he asked if I enjoyed giving blow jobs. When I didn’t want to answer, he called me a prude.
(I canceled the date.)
On another first date, a guy asked me when the last time was that I had had sex and how often I masturbated.
On a different date, a guy asked me if I could give him an ETA for when we’d have sex.
And yet another time, the guy ended the date early when I told him I wouldn’t be going home with him.
That there is a problem here is obvious. But what exactly the problem is – and where it stems from – is complicated. And I’m going to make it more complicated by talking about Miley Cyrus and Rihanna and Britney.
Have you seen Britney’s new video?
Have you seen Rihanna’s new video?
And we’ve all seen Miley at the VMA’s (unfortunately).
Somehow we have evolved from a culture where strippers wanted to be pop stars to a culture where pop stars want to be strippers. Where sex is supposed to be cheap and easy and pleasure constant.
Happiness — not merely its pursuit — is now something to which we are entitled. Which we deserve. Which capitalism, with its eternal seduction, has convinced us should be available with each and every purchase. And if we are not happy, something (the right product? the latest gadget? an easy lay?) is missing. Because we should be happy all the time. And, most alarmingly, that happiness should come easy.
We’ve become a culture obsessed not only with product over process, but a culture spoiled with the illusion that these products should be readily available. Is it the fault of media? The fault of online shopping? The fault of online dating (which is really just online shopping for that aforementioned easy lay)? The fault of a consumer culture gone mental? All of the above. We know what we want, and we want it now.
A real man would never ask a great catch of a woman, an intelligent choice for a long-term investment, for a sexual ETA. Because a real man would be enjoying the process as much as the end result. Because a real man would enjoy the challenge, would be stimulated by the work involved, and would actually be disappointed by any result that came too easy.
But it’s not just the fault of these honor-free man-child douchebags. It’s also the fault of media icons like Rihanna and Britney and Miley who think being sexy means being easy. Madonna, who lived and breathed sex for much of her career, always had an edge. Hers was an inaccessible sexuality. Doubt me? Watch the videos for Open Your Heart or Express Yourself. They were all about how she owned her body and her sexuality. And if you wanted her, it would be on her own terms.
And then watch Rihanna’s latest. Or just go to Spearmint Rhino. It’s all the same.
The “end of sex,” by which I mean the end of courtship and romance and traditional gender roles, has not only come with a decline of true sex appeal but also with a sensual immaturity that rejects complexity in favor of simplicity and immediacy.
Movies, the ultimate barometer of popular culture, used to sizzle with flirtation and romance. But in the words of Camille Paglia in The New York Times, “from the early ‘70s on, nudity was in, and steamy build-up was out. A generation of filmmakers lost the skill of sophisticated innuendo. The situation worsened in the ‘90s, when Hollywood pirated video games to turn women into cartoonishly pneumatic superheroines and sci-fi androids, fantasy figures without psychological complexity or the erotic needs of real women.”
To anyone currently on the dating market, sound familiar?
A review of Britney’s new single in the Daily Beast argues that “The most important thing to point out about this ludicrously fabulous video is how Britney looks, which is just about flawless.”
No, the most important thing to point out about the video would be the music (which is horrible), or the lyrics (which the review admits are random), or the concept behind the video (which the review acknowledges as nonsensical). But instead, the video is great because Britney’s body is HOT and her dance moves are HOT and her outfits are HOT. And Rihanna is triumphant and victorious because she’s dancing in a denim thong.
No, no, no. How did this happen? How did our misguided notions of sexual empowerment get so twisted? How did being a badass woman become taking off your clothes and dancing around a stripper pole? How did sexual equality evolve into neutering women who are in positions of power? Sexuality should be powerful. Sexuality should be complicated. Sex should be a challenge, and sexuality shouldn’t be stripped down to baby oil and a stripper pole.
No, I don’t have sex on the first date. No, I don’t want to talk about masturbation with someone I just met. No, I’m not going to text with a stranger about blow jobs. Not because I’m a prude but because that’s how much I love sex. Because sex is magical and beautiful and complicated, and I want to keep it that way.
Great article. Your experiences have convinced me that on first dates I should wait longer to ask about masturbation is served. Maybe after dessert is served? 😉 I hate to give the BS (Britney Spears) video any more thought than it deserves, but it might have presented a more complete story if we actually got to see women ‘working’ for what they want. Rather than simply being objects to want. Are there any female characters in film/tv now that own their sexuality?
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
I have been trying to think of female characters for you — and I’m not doing terribly well. I have mixed feelings on Olivia Pope. Glenn Close on Damages was a badass but desexualized. The New Girl is a mess. Mindy Lahiri is, too. As is Claire Danes’ character on Homeland and Deborah on Dexter. What/who am I missing?
Leah Carey said:
This doesn’t satisfy the “now” part of Jim’s question, but I’ve been watching the DVDs of “Friends” recently and the person who immediately popped into my mind when reading Jim’s question is Monica Geller. Hers is an interesting arc from being the overweight butt of every joke to a sexy, hard-edged but loving woman with a definite neurotic streak. But when it comes to sex, she acts like a grown up – especially once she and Chandler become a couple. But earlier in her relationship with Richard as well – they don’t want the same things out of life, so even though they have an amazing relationship, she’s not willing to ignore her own long-term desires for short-term pleasure.
I think it’s interesting that you express mixed feelings about Olivia Pope. My immediate reaction to that was – but she’s AWESOME. And then I gave it another two seconds of thought and realized – she’s awesome in her professional life, but her personal life is a messy soup of misplaced desire and daddy issues.
Dahlia, thank you for expressing all of this so well and so clearly. A friend sent me your link after I posted a blog on a very similar topic last week: http://www.themiraclejournal.com/2013/10/03/sexual-healing/ I hope perhaps you’ll find it as interesting as I’ve found your sharing. 🙂
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
YES! I love everything you just wrote! And I totally agree. 🙂
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
Jim, I started a dialogue about this on my Facebook page: Facebook.com/whoisdahlia
Joan Watson on Elementary.
Spiro B. Yond said:
You’re dating the wrong men.
There are real men in the world.
I just went on a second date with a lovely lady who asked if she could kiss me goodnight. I obliged with a kiss so full of gratitude, appreciation and affection, it was as if I invested every fiber of my being into the act.
I assure you, we exist… Stop settling.
I agree, we do exist. However sometimes you women settle for the bad boy. Then wonder why after the lust disappeared and it will, the relationship was burnt toast.
Reblogged this on ihearteastnewyork.
Tremendous! It is sad to see so many female pop stars marketed and promoted in this fashion, whereby their value is only in relation to their sexual desirability and perceived availability.
And the sex scenes in Hollywood films invariably seem to be an excuse to voyeuristically expose the actress’s body. The acceptance of female (but not male) nudity in cinema has produced a generation of (male) filmmakers too lazy or inarticulate to find more artistically engaging ways of addressing desire and sex.
James Morris said:
I think this is about emotional maturity/security in men. As a young adult, I typically pursued ‘one night stands’ with women. I don’t think I was ever as coarse as pre-date blow job texting, but to sleep around was certainly my intention. I used to put this down to men’s ‘basic instinct to spread the seed’. I think on a physical level, most men can identify with this to some degree. it’s part of our evolutionary biology.
However emotionally secure men have ‘evolved’ beyond this. They do not need to use sex as a form of validation, and want a relationship where as you say, the process is as much (if not more) to be enjoyed. Our sleazy pop culture has gone further and further in it’s shameless capitalist exploitation of ‘sex sells’. Many men will work out or grow out of this at some point in their lives. But it’s certainly a shame that pop culture is sending the opposite message.
Kelley Sheppard said:
I’m not ready to date again, not yet, but Is this what I have to look forward to? Really? And then I read this reply and I have hope. Thanks James and Dahlia.
This is much more than a sex problem. This is about ANYTHING today.
We want everything and asap and the reason is: life is SHORT. And in order to obtain everything we need a mountain of money. This is why everything is about money. Capitalism has destroyed the real world, shifting the perspective towards easy and fast money. Banks and investors and Wall Street an all those pour their money in magical tricks that give you back the highest possible profits, everyone does not care where these money come from. That’s the magic trick behind money: it’s always clean. Big profits require selling weapons, drugs, bodies, children, organs. And as much as money is never enough, stuff can never be cheaper enough. Sex must be cheaper (free sluts), food must cheaper (GMOs), items must be cheaper (chinese crap) ANYTHING. And this must be done at the expense of the environment, populations and human souls.
You can’t fix anything unless we all seriously stop for a moment and think about what we’re getting and what’s the real price of it.
This can’t be done without a world war or something incredibly unexpected. We can’t go on like this forever, at least.
Charly CONCHITA Carlyle said:
Reblogged this on Dr. Nymphobrainiac and commented:
Incredibly thoughtful and nuanced…this is a MUST read for any woman wrestling with the reality of sex and sexuality in today’s media-slathered world! Brava!!!
Greg Vestal said:
Wow I can’t believe they really said those things. Very good observations and thoughts.
Kyle Murray said:
Oi, the fact that these guys brought up anything sexual so early (Even before the first date! Good Lord.) just makes me cringe. A lot of articles have touched on the notion that some guys expect sex just for “being nice” (Jezebel, maybe?); they think that if they just take a girl on date or meet up for a drink, spend an adequate time talking and “being nice”…BAM. “Sexy times for me!” “WHY AREN’T YOU GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? I’M A NICE GUY! I BOUGHT YOU DINNER/DRINKS, TALKED TO YOU AND EVERYTHING! YOU’RE A PRUDE!”
[Don’t] Fuck that. Don’t give those idiots the time of day.
Now, I can’t say I’ve been perfect about sex early on in the dating process or dating in general. Not at all. But, I do know there are unwritten rules about decency and how you treat people you barely know. We’re adults and part of being an adult is treating others with respect and having some manners. There’s a time and place for everything.
I honestly agree with the premise of “Sexy Baby”, a documentary about the sexualization of society due to the increased presence of pornography in our daily lives. The increased popularity, acceptability, and access to porn makes people feel like sex should be something easily attained, just like their porn. More people (men and women) than ever view pornography and less and less people think of it as taboo. The pop stars wanting to be strippers is absolutely correct. Instead of having to make an effort to get porn (buying a magazine from a store), all you have to do is jump on the internet, type a few words, and there it is, private parts in heat galore. So naturally, people (okay, definitely men more than women) think of actual sex the same way.
I agree Kyle. As much as I think pop culture has become overly sexualized, I think articles like this fail to account for the fact that nearly all single men (and many married men and some women) are watching lots of porn. If anything, pop culture is just following this trend as closely as it is legally allowed. The lines “how often do you masturbate” and “do you enjoy giving blowjobs” are literally lifted from bad porn scripts.
Dale Thomas Vaughn said:
Bravo. Keep being you. There are good men out there who are looking for a woman like you. I’m a blogger for The Good Men Project, and I think you should submit this and your other writing to the GMP. This message deserves an audience of real men. I, for one, cherish the woman in my life for a thousand reasons outside of the bedroom. She challenges me to be a better man every day. I am more compassionate, a better business leader, and a better friend all around with her in my life. When I was dating, I had a strict no first date sex policy and it always weeded out the Britneys of the world (because believe it or not, it goes both ways). Saved me a lot of hassle and bad sex.
Reblogged this on I Love to Laugh and commented:
Loving this one!
I couldn’t agree with this post more. I’m not sure exactly what has contributed to this – whether it’s pop culture, people being more open with their sexuality or less inclined to get married – no idea. But, I have noticed this with a lot of men in dating these days. I had been in a couple of long term relationships and have been single for the better part of the past 3 years. Pretty often, I am encountering these types of situations, and at first it baffled me. My boyfriends were guys I grew up with, so I hadn’t really gone out and dated, starting from scratch with someone. I was baffled at first at how quickly things seemed to jump into sexual territory and wondered if that’s just the way it works in the dating realm. I have become much more used to this type of scenario. As you say, you don’t want to be seen as a prude – you have that sexual side to you (who doesn’t) – but you don’t want to let it out until an appropriate time. If you don’t a lot of guys seem to think you are frigid. If you decide to play into it and have fun, a lot of times you get written off as not being girlfriend material. I don’t even live in L.A., and I still deal with this all the effing time.
Julian Lisette said:
I’m going to purposefully go against the grain here and instead of blindly agreeing with the original poster I’m going to disagree.
The men that have been lewd, crude, and a tad underwhelming are only expressing the thoughts that all men have had for an age. While in yesteryear’s we would keep mum and disguise our bad intentions with brave attempts at gentlemanly behavior the rule of the day now is that there are no rules. Women are far more free to express their own desires to copulate without consequences. Of course this isn’t for everyone, and it’s clear that this isn’t the style of courtship that the original poster prefers, but that isn’t to say that it’s not allowed.
Women have definitely been empowered. While the original poster may deride the vulgar sexuality of the pop-artists in question all they are doing is showing that they’re allowed to be just as sexually demanding as men; if they wish to be. The men the original poster has been meeting are simply adjusting to the new rules of the courting game.
I would suggest, however, that instead of complaining about men being so forward, embrace it. After all; it’s what most men have always been thinking from the get go. Isn’t honesty the best policy? Especially when it comes to expectations in a new relationship?
I’m glad some one was eloquently able to contrast the sentiment the author gave us. Enjoying sex, and your sexuality doesn’t make one less of a man or a woman. Gender roles dont make some one a better person nor does defining them. My gf and myself both are very sexual in nature, forward with what we want but also compassionate and understanding if other people were not at that same level. We met and clicked and have had both an amazing sex life, but an amazing time learning the nuance of our emotions together.
This day and age please stop wishing for the was and has been, they never existed. Betty Paige laid her sexuality out there for all to see. Monroe slept with any man with the strong jaw and pocket book. Janis Joplin claimed to have sex with 1000 people in one day. The good ol days are a myth, a farce used by media and old men to control your sexuality, and mental capacity as a whole.
Opinions are important and should be expressed but do not confuse opinion as doctrine.
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
exactly! and heaven forbid anyone confuse my opinions as doctrine!
I agree with everything said here, however, I also don;t want to be the type of person to put anyone into a box. I may look as sex as something more meaningful and worth the wait but just because another person doesn’t share that veiw is ok. It’s ok for people to view sex as more of a physical experience rather than an emotion or spiritual one. Meaning I don’t look down upon people who want to have sex very quickly or enjoy it and feel it’s ok to talk about on a first date. Who are we to say that is wrong? Who are we to say that sex cant just be recreation to some people. I will never think that way but I certainly don’t want to tell other how they should feel/think. That, to me, is absurd.
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
I’m not telling anyone what to think…just expressing what works for me, personally.
Sorry, but blaming women for men being asshats? Nope. These guys are asshats all on their own, they’ve just got the wrong idea from pop media that being an asshat is socially acceptable and “cool”. At least they are duped enough be showing their true colors earlier. Thank Rihanna, Miley, Britney, et al. for getting the asshats of the world to declare themselves openly and proudly early on, before you waste more dates on them.
Women are just as “asshats”. Playing the “blame men” bullshit card is an easy and pointless way of hiding how women have killed chivalry. Accept how your sex has influenced the process, otherwise, it can’t be changed.
Ask your date if he’s read “The Ethical Slut”, “Opening Up”, “Sex at Dawn”, “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns” or any other book that promotes an honest, open ethical approach to sex, relationships and good communication, respect and trust. Ask him if he knows what sapiosexual means. <== see, spellcheck doesn't even know. He wants an ETA on when you can have sex? No problem. Just ask for an ETA when he'll become a grown up vs. a teenage boy. Ask him to explain his take on consent culture, or rape culture. What I'm not very effectively conveying here is, it's my belief that you look for the same qualities in a long term relationship that you would in a sex partner, FWB. Integrity! You gonna find him among the selection of fuckwads in a bar? Probably not. Better off joining a group like Foundation for Sex Positive Culture or a similar group. I apologize. I hadn't intended to use your blog as a forum for my soapbox. 😉 This is just a subject I'm fairly passionate about.
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
I’m right there with you until you start talking about what makes a “real” man. You are defining a “real man” with all the traits you personally are looking for, and all the traits most of us women find respectable. Much like a man might write a post about how “real” women are delicate and submissive and don’t text about sex. You says you respect complexity, but preaching about “real men” falls pretty flat.
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
ah, but this is my blog, so everything in it is my subjective opinion. it’s not meant as a scientific study! there are no absolutes…
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
Laurin, I did a post specifically about real men today. It might help clarify what I mean by that term!
Dawn Pier said:
Thank you for this thoughtful and touching post. I thought perhaps I had lost touch with the times and that perhaps I was being prudish because I want there to be a build up to sex that is exciting and natural and suspenseful. I’m in my 40s and single again. It’s challenging. I live in the middle of nowhere and don’t watch TV, which probably is a good thing, but I often feel completely out of touch with what’s happening in the rest of the world. It would seem, from what you write here, that this is a good thing and I should just keep expecting there to be flirtation and EFFORT involved in dating. If there’s no effort put forth on both sides, then if/when it finally happens, doesn’t it feel a little vacuous?
While you start strong by talking about the devolution of desire and sexuality into a game of sex and lust, you end rather weakly with the “men are evil” blame game that bitter women often invoke after bad relationships.
You can’t highlight the influence that Britney, Rihanna, and Miley have and then say men are evil. You need to acknowledge that we now live in a world where women want easy sex, too. I’ve been to clubs and bars all over New York and every night they are filled with women (single, in a relationship, and even married) looking for a quick one night fling. In fact, I just left a bar tonight where one of the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen stumbled in drunk wearing a wedding band and a huge diamond engagement ring, hungry for a man who wasn’t her husband (which she quickly found). I little while after that, I was at another bar where I randomly bumped into a girl that I had been talking to online. She was drunk and I think doped up on E or coke and being really obnoxious. She blamed it on the fact that she’s been partying for 24 hours straight, had just had sex, and was still in a post-orgasm haze. She said it as a brag and she asked if I would be conquest number two for the night (of course I ran away from the situation, hence why I’m home commenting on this blog).
So before you start complaining about “real men”, accept that chivalry is dead because women have killed it. Then acknowledge that “real men” are about as common as “real women” and the battle of the sexes bullshit blinds you from the reality that both sexes about about the same in terms of desires and wants. By harping on “men are evil” you are lying to yourself and to others who read your blog, while harming the whole process of understanding why society is going into the shit.
Eytan Elbaz (@eytanelbaz) said:
This is a really good article. Thanks for sharing.
Noah M said:
Dahlia, your paragraph that begins with “Happiness…” is brilliant.
To which I add Helen Fisher’s insight: “we’re not built to be happy, we’re built to reproduce”.
You’re right, these young men (and they sound YOUNG to me) are looking for product over process, and seeking the ego validation and immediate gratification that a sexual conquest provides. But you’re missing the point to complain about it. Those guys were doing you a favor by clearly announcing their prurient intentions.
Are you meeting these guys in bars? Online with minimal screening? Selecting only physically beautiful younger men?
I think for men under 32 or so, it’s perfectly common to discuss masturbation and sexual willingness/frequency. For them, sex doesn’t have to be attached to love, or even “like”. If you want a man that values process over product, you may have to start looking for older men, especially ones that seem genuinely interested in talking to you.
The “real man” of whom you speak will neither be easily found nor easily won. Good hunting.
You are absolutely right. in love &seks our society has not yet found a mature way. I was looking at this documentairy on India, in which the old sexual ideas of pleasure are talked about:
There the painful effect of f.i.English kolonial purity is so vivid.
The pain lies nowadays in or too carefree without boundaries or too bound without knowledge of mature pleasure. Porn gives an awfull example to both views. Both views produce pain. We have not yet come to the state of mature sexual sovereignty.
Did you know, that when a woman has sex with a partner with whom she feels safe and loved, she produces a hormone in her heart which makes her more healthy? I guess this should be told at school!
Next to this, look f.i. at the website of Saida Desilets, also about true sexual pleasure, but from the point of view of a queen and king, not from a beggarsview. That makes in my view the complete difference.
Just take a little time and read some articles here: http://vigilantcitizen.com
You don’t have to believe it, but it will show you how the media-biz is doing that thing. 🙂
Well. Everyone’s opinion is a reflection of their life experiences and what they chose to make of them. My experiences have all supported the common stance that women mostly respond to assholes. My attitude towards relations with women has become rather mercenary these days, and my sole focus is to do what works. I was a respectful “nice guy” for the majority of my life and never got laid, so now I play for team douchbag and I’m accumulating some wins now. See the thing that irks me is how the idea of a man being “nice” to a woman for the purpose of getting laid has become so maligned. Pretty much every human interaction comes down to one person seeking something from another, so people need to stop kidding themselves. From my experience, it’s not just that woman don’t sleep with “nice guys”, it’s that they take advantage of and don’t respect them. And another thing, something VERY important to that nobody has mentioned is the role that age plays in this. Lets face it, men are inclined to pursue younger women whenever the option is present, and simply put, nowadays young chicks wanna be adventurous and experiment and they’re giving away pussy like a fire sale and they have no desire to deal with some pussy (I used to get called that by my dates when I wasn’t forward about sex) who wants to spend a series of dates talking about his feelings and job (for the most part). Now once they get past 25 their interests begin to shift more towards finding a “quality man”. To use cars as an analogy, scumbag-perverted-assholes are the prime consumers of late model and new car leases while quality men mostly tend to purchase high mileage at least several years used. I feel kinda bad speaking in such a crass dehumanizing fashion, but it is what it is. No disrespect intended towards ladys, I DO love them dearly.
Personally I doubt it’s pop culture. There were men who were that way in the eighties too. As a young man I found it pretty bizarre; now I understand it’s about insecurity and need for control.
We live in more open times now. I don’t see anything wrong with talking about sex, having sex on a first date, being open about your own sexual preferences with a stranger if you are comfortable with it AND (this is the important bit) with someone who is comfortable about it too.
And being upfront about what you are looking for before a first date can save everyone a lot of heartache and confusion.
There can never be one set of rules of sexual/dating engagement which suit everyone but it should be possible to apply common sense and good manners to the situation.
The guys you mention at the top of the article seem like rude people to me, not because they broached sex early but because of their reaction when you responded to them.
The blow-job guy could just have responded with a “okay, we might not be so compatible then” rather than trying to make you feel bad with a judgemental text.
When I was dating I would much rather have had a guy let me know if he was just looking for something casual – gave me the chance to say great, that’s what I feel like too right now, or no, thanks, I’m looking to develop something deeper and potentially long-term.
The problem is assuming that all men only want one-night stands and all women only want long-term relationships.
And then, of course, there are some people who are just crass and rude in all elements of their life, not just sexual etiquette.
Abe Lin said:
Just remember you’re in LA – it doesn’t extrapolate to the world us ordinary folk live in. Maybe you’ll have to go back to the east coast to find a man who can reflect the values and desires you hold? Great insights, nonetheless.
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Dahlia, I am one of those men. I’ll explain why I behave this way.
Female promiscuity and detachment: we could have a nice date that ends with an innocent kiss. And then you go to Vegas for the weekend and have a one-night stand. You’ll start feeling that maybe ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ with me because you fucked some other guy in the interim. Or even if none of that happened, I know from experience that girls are flaky, and that the farther I go with them on the first date, the more assured I am that I’ll see them again. Pushing for sex quickly is thus a rational move.
Given how promiscuous women are nowadays, I have no assurance that I’ll see her again no matter how well the date goes; the younger and prettier she is, the stronger that holds. The odds of another man, an ex or a dashing stranger, getting in the way before we have sex is not insignificant.
Providing value: You have to provide me value one way or another, just as I must provide you value. As in, we must desire each other’s company for some reason. The typical LA girl doesn’t know how to provide a man value except by having sex. So, the men push for the only thing they can get from her as quickly as possible. All the other value is going the other way – the man being funny, paying for the date, showing interest.
The woman provides conversation and interest too, but it doesn’t satisfy me like it does you, and other women. A woman is content to get validation alone. A man isn’t – all the validation in the world is worthless to me if it doesn’t involve sex at some point. Women flirt with men they wouldn’t dream of touching. To me, flirting is tiring if sex isn’t a possibility.
It sounds like you don’t want to have sex quickly, so you must find other ways to keep men’s interest. I recommend cooking for a man. Have dinner at yours or his place, or plan a picnic and take care of all the food. Tell him to bring a bottle of wine. I assure you he’ll be flattered. You can even explain beforehand that you’re a little slower to have sex, but you’re interested, and want to show that in earnest by doing something nice for him.
You also didn’t say anything about these men you dated. Maybe you’re dating out of your league, and that’s why the men are reluctant to put in effort. You could go for slightly less desirable or sexually experienced men who would be happy to wait longer. If the men you’re talking to can get sex easily, they’ll want it just as easily from you, unless you bring something completely different to the table, like a home cooked meal.
absolutely LOVE this! Well written, good topics and talking points of convincing, so truthful and nice to hear another girls opinion that isn’t ‘easy’ or ‘giving in’ to these circumstances. Going to share with girls I know! LOVE!
Hi Dahlia – popping over from a link Leah Carey shared.
I think your article is very well written, and while it’s 100% your perspective, many can relate to your experience.
To some degree I experienced the same when I found myself suddenly single after my 19 year marriage bit the dust. Some of the emails I received from men wanting to date me were simply bizarre. But…it did help me weed through the truly weird ones.
My experience taught me that happiness is truly an inside job. No one could fill the holes in my heart but me. I took a timeout from dating and decided that personal growth was what I needed. I learned a few things along the way and shared a few in my recent article on Huffington Post. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4037308
The objective of dating is to meet an individual to know more about likes and interests and checking for a potential life partner. While, on dating if someone is asking for other things to do means they are dealing with different objectives. They are on different paths. Guide them that love and lust both are different paths. Love leads to happiness while lust leads to pleasure.
Your experience and current situation critical!
On the one hand I totally agree with this article – I hear horrible stories from single friends about men who assume women will be okay with lewd comments before they’ve even met them. It pisses me off that a man thinks this is acceptable. However, we women need to take some responsibility too. So many of my friends always go for “bad boys” who treat them like dirt and keep letting them do it. And the guys know they can get away with it, so they keep doing it. I wish some of my friends would see that guys who may seem boring on the outside can be romantic, sexual beings on the inside. My husband is a brilliant engineer – you may think he’s a geek. But there’s much more than meets the eye. I won’t go into details but let’s just say he has bought me naughty toys as gifts more than once and we have had many steamy nights. Down-to-earth, respectful, sexual guys are out there, you just have to look closely and give guys a chance who you may not initially be attracted to.
What about Shakira?
Dahlia Schweitzer said:
What about her?